Plankton stared glumly at the back wall of the little baptist church in rural America.  The Yale symbologist shook his head.  There it was again, another version
of the same mural he kept seeing painted behind every baptistry, the tank above the choir loft where these strange Christians practiced their stranger ritual of ceremonial dunking.  It was there too often to be a coincidence:  a picture of the River Jordan—flowing through the English countryside!  He knew the artists were trying to tell him something.  The connectivity was there, just below the surface, if only he could dive down to the bottom of it.

And then it hit him.  That fool from Harvard had it all wrong!  The whole Palestine thing was a ruse created by Joseph of Arimathea to hide the truth:  Jesus had never set foot in the so-called Holy Land at all.  He was a Celtic river god worshipped in England when it was known as Roman Britain.  No Palestinian peasant from the First Century could possibly have had that kind of power.

It all fit:  the importance of ablution, the ceremonial meal, obviously a thinly disguised version of the Cauldron of Plenty.  The Roman Catholic Church and their Protestant dupes had been carefully guarding this secret for 2,000 years, but now it was uncovered at last!
But wait.  Would anybody believe him now that The DaVinci Code was already a best seller?  How diabolically brilliant of Rome to create this diversion just in time to discredit his discovery!  Langdon was being used, that much was certain.  But by
whom?  Let’s see now, think!  Think!  DaVinci Code, the movie–directed by Ron Howard, whose secret true identity was . . . Opie?  Hmmm, Opie, Opie . . . OPUS! Opus Dei!  That was it.

It was all clear now, all too clear.  His discovery was useless.  With Opus Dei having already cornered the market–how clever of them to pretend to be discrediting themselves!–people would only think Plankton’s Baptistry Code was, er, all wet.  He
decided to drown his sorrows.  It was the only thing left to do.

B. S. Clueless
AKA Donald T. Williams, PhD

For more satire like this, see THE DEVIL’S DICTIONARY OF THE CHRISTIAN FAITH (St. Louis: Chalice Press, 2008).  For poetry both serious and satirical, go to and order STARS THROUGH THE CLOUDS: THE COLLECTED POETRY OF DONALD T. WILLIAMS (Lynchburg: Lantern Hollow Press, 2011).


About gandalf30598

Theologian, philosopher, poet, and critic; minister of the Gospel who makes his living by teaching medieval and renaissance literature; dual citizen of Narnia and Middle Earth.

Posted on November 21, 2011, in Donald Williams, Movie Reviews, Turkey Posts and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

  1. Oh, golly, and his logic was so waterproof!

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