Daily Archives: January 30, 2011

How Do Writers Change Light Bulbs?

How exactly does a writer go about changing a light bulb?  Well, it is entirely dependent upon their genre:

Science Fiction Writers

First, the writer goes forward in time, to purchase the RC12A-4 lightbulb, which will not be invented until 2089.  Next, he travels back in time, to meet himself standing before the lamp in question.  One of him holds the lamp, while the other performs the actual changing of lightbulbs.  Unfortunately, the process causes a major time paradox, which in turn forces the lamp and writers to self-destruct.  The room implodes.  Fortunately, the writer and his future self exist together quite happily in a parallel universe, where lightbulbs never need changing.

Fantasy Writers 

It takes fantasy writers a VERY long time to change a light bulb.  First, they must locate a simple, orphaned farm boy with a heart of gold, and send a wise old man (really a wizard in disguise) to guide him in the first steps of his noble quest to change the lightbulb (a quest which is foretold in an ancient prophecy).  Living only on elf-bread, he must fight dragons and cavort with dwarfs as he travels on his amazing journey.  Just when hope seems lost, he will miraculously succeed and the light bulb will be changed.

 

History Writers 

After carefully perusing all the sources on the history of light bulb changing, they twist the facts to fit their particular pet theory on the subject, then footnote it until readers are lost in a sea of citations, with no choice but to give in to the historian’s version of truth.  The light bulb never actually gets changed, but the historian is too busy researching to notice.  This is okay, because the readers don’t usually notice either.

 

Mystery Writers

Mystery writers have perfected a simple enough technique:  they screw the new light bulb most of the way in, using conventional methods perfected by earlier authors, then give it a surprise twist at the end.

And the final Crazy Prayer Request for the LHP contest:

*I broke up with my boyfriend because he stole my car while on parole and now he won’t take my calls and I want to get back together with him.*

Advertisements